I Swear, it's the Clothes...

Today at FLI...

I realized how much I despised myself. It's ugly, when you become acutely aware of your own shortcomings in a new and revealing way. Talk about SIGGIES out... I came home, looked in the mirror, and thought, I can't stand what I see. I can't stand the person I've become through the situations I've been put in here at Focus. It's ugly, It's unattractive - sin is coming out in ways I've never seen before or knew I had the capacity to commit. I don't know why, but I really don't like what I see right now.

But it wasn't just my sin that I was despising - it was more but I couldn't put my finger on it. After a few minutes I tried to figure out why I felt this way, and the first thing that came to mind was it's the clothes. It's the blasted dress code I'll bet! I can't stand how stuck up, prideful, arrogant, and fake I feel when I "dress to impress" like they want. It's so superficial - and yet I engage in it day after day. That's it! I do this fake thing - pretending to be something or someone I'm not every single day - and after 5 weeks of

I feel about as uptight as the guy on the right, rigid like the shirt, and the shoe...? No way Jose.

this nonsense it's getting to me. So I do what I always do when I have thoughts - I talk about them with whomever is around so I can solicit their feedback and their thoughts on the subject. The first person I asked was God, and after submitting my thoughts I went to see what my roommate thought.

Scottie - I love this guy - he tells it like it is. He told me point blank that the issue of pride I saw resurfacing in my life was an indicator that a pre-existing issue was just being brought out through the clothing, not coming from the clothing itself. Interesting. I still love him, but that isn't exactly what I expected him to say.

About a day or so later was the FLI Men's Retreat and I had the opportunity to - and privilege of - talking with Chris Kasper about some of these things. His words were understanding and affirming, assuring me that the challenges God was bringing me through were not too difficult to handle, and that I was not alone as he had dealt and sometimes still must deal with similar seclusive conclusions, albeit for different reasons.
Still, the feedback was great, but it didn't make me "feel" any better. At the risk of sounding unspritual and

This semester is going to leave stretch marks.

unmasculine, I have been told that I can be very in touch with my own feelings. Yet, I know feelings are often unreliable, so I try not to rely on them for making decisions - and so I did do the right thing anyway even though it didn't give me the comfort I longed for.

It's another one of those uncomfortable stretching moments. If there's one word that describes this semester, it's STRETCH! Matter of fact, in my usual fashion I coined a short phrase to help describe what I'm going through.  ~AK