Stewing Over The Reading...

Today at FLI...

....I realized, hm... it's getting colder now... it's about time for stew!  Every Fall - usually just after thanksgiving - I make a huge pot of turkey stew with thanksgiving dinner remains and whatever else happens to be in the fridge.  This year, since I'll be away from home over turkey break, I was wondering what I was going to do to keep the tradition alive.  I need to get my stew fix I was thinking to myself one day last week.  Then it happened.  One of the small groups here decided to throw a Thanksgiving-themed Koinania dinner - and there would be turkey!  Score.  I made plans to have the turkey remains secured before they were even purchased - and as it turned out, there would be 2 or 3 small turkey remains given to me after the fact.  Perfect - the opportunity was here.  If I can finish my taxes by Friday, and make it back from the guys' campout alive and well on Saturday, then Sunday I can make stew. Sweet deal.

Only problem with making stew is... well... good stew takes about 2 days to make.  And, although you don't have to watch it constantly, it does require about 6 hours of prep time between basting and cleaning the turkey, sifting the bones, chopping the veggies, seasoning the broth - it was going to leave me out my weekend to catch up on reading.  Oh, yeah... there's new reading assignments, too.  Drats.  The thought left me stewing over how much reading they assign, and it made me think of school again.

How is it, that no matter where I go to school, or what I do in school, or what program I select or classes I take - I never have enough time to do the homework?  Learning is my #1 strength I just found out last week.  Why is school so difficult then? I know what being a learner is all about - and attending school is probably one of the least effective methods of learning out there!  I've just about had it. I've come to despise the very thought of being a student simply because it ushers in thoughts of constantly being behind the 8-ball with an overbearing amount of unfinished homework due right around the corner.  Always!  Never have I been able to get all my homework done - I don't know what made me think FLI would be any different.  The feeling of unfinished work is unbearable - it eats away at my stomach.  It feels like the same old, same old, and that's not why I came here.  I came here to change - to put the past behind me and turn over a new page in life where school doesn't stress me out to the max, and where my non-school obligations could be left 2000 miles away back home so I can just be.  

God, what are you doing through all this? Why the discontentment - it's starting to show.  People notice.  I don't want to leave here having let these clouds overshadow the relationships I'm building.  I need your power to breakout of this old way of life so I can be empty to receive what it is that you have for me here.  Please God - we're entering our 5th week.   We only have 8 or 9 weeks left!  I know you work everything out to the good of those who love you... seriously I do, but I'm having a hard time seeing it right now.  Allow me to see past what is right in front of me and look toward what you are accomplishing in each of our character through this semester.  Remind me to pray and intercede for my brothers and sisters here as they are challenged this fall.  I lay these and all the other apprehensions which are on my mind down so that I may take up your peace.

This is by no means easy - it's actually quite a stretch right now.  I have no idea what you're doing - but I know it smacks of growing pains and stretch marks.  Matter of fact, I still have stretch marks from the first week when I found out I wasn't allowed to wear my hat.  Nobody tells me I can't where my hat - nobody.  My hat goes with me everywhere.  That rule left a mark.  The fact that there are "rules" leaves several more.  

God - this is taking metric tons of faith... I don't know how much longer I can dress up and be fake every single day and put on a show... the pride intrinsic to these actions is slowly poisoning me - and I'm beginning to notice it.  It still smells bad.  I miss my time with you.  Why does this blasted homework have to cause so much angst and guilt?  Why can't I just spend time with you like we used to?  Why do I feel that my hand is forced to touch hot coals?  I can't say I know... but I know you.  And I know that you know what you're doing...

  Tonight, that's the only peace I have - trusting that he knows what he's doing.

~AK