I was stretched to my ultimate tensile limit - or in common speech - my breaking point. Up to this point I had been trying to achieve what was both my goal for the semester (trying to win a bet against God) and his goals for me being at FLI this fall. Say what? yeah... so here's how the story went. In my charicteristic metaphorical, engineering sort-of-way, I'll compare a picture to what I mean. Ladies and gentlemen - consider, the charicteristic Tensile Stress-Strain Curve for composite material:
 |
| The Stress vs Strain curve for a material subject to test failure loads of tensile force. Source: Nanopedia. |
Right now I'm just before the red X of Ultimate Tensile Strength. The last 4 weeks have been the Plastic Region where things have been slipping further and further into disarray, and before that was the Elastic phase of the first two weeks. Pictures. I worth a thousand words for sure.
On the third day after we settled into our new apartments, God and I had a short conversation - about grades. It was after the end of our first official day of classes and after the 2-day Leadership Intensive; We had just gotten a personal introduction to what would be a curriculum based on the Truth Project by - that's right - by Dr. Del Buford Delmont Tackett the third himself! Anyway, my discussion with God went like this as I was planning out my reading and homework schedule in my head: You're going to try and get all A's this semester in each of your classes, aren't you? God said, interrupting my train of thought. Umm... yeah... and why should I not at least try to produce excellence in my studies? I sheepishly replied already knowing what was wrong with that question. Because it's not why you're here - you didn't come here to get good grades. You came here to balance priorities. So, balance priorities - and don't get A's.
Well, needless to say, I tried to ignore these words or act like I didn't hear them - but I think subconsciously I knew I was supposed to heed his comment. Therefore, the next 6 weeks would be a blur of mixed priorities - both mine and Gods - and until this week there was some semblence of hope that I could still have both while holding on for dear life. Maybe, just maybe, I could still "have it all" as it were, and survive. But not now. Not this week - it's week 7. Week 7 means midterms. It means presentations, project deadlines, and cumulative work assesment. Essentially, it's the checkpoint to make sure you're keeping up with the pack of work - and it comes with a bucketload more work. "OK God, I'm at my breaking point... I can't do this anymore. By sundown Wednesday this week I'm going to crack unless something happens. God, I've come to the end of me; help?"
Well, I'll let you know about any developments... but I have a feeling it's going to be a good dose of God saying, "I told you so" along with "I love you so" while reminding me that "you should rely on me, you know?"
~AK
I love the end. Even when we feel that we have failed, God knows best and He knows the effort you have put into this semester. He does know best and it is so comforting to hear Him say, "I Love you!" even after we refuse to heed His advice. Thanks for being a great roomie!
ReplyDeleteAK! I wanted to say thank you for our phone conversation last night. God was definitely at work there. The encouragement meant a lot and it was the first night I've gone to sleep without fighting those demons I described in a long while.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wanted to say that I got to read your blog this afternoon. I loved seeing how God is working in your life and as you often said "stretching" you.
We miss you tons back here in NY and at RPI. God Bless you.