When Confession Turns to Frustration...

Today at FLI...

I confessed before the Lord and spoke out of my frustration...

Forgive me, father – for I never want to spend time with you until… until I have other things that I don’t want to do (like writing a paper) before I decide – I haven’t had my QT today… and then I foolishly use not having my quiet time to procrastinate on my paper.  Truth is, I’m guilty of not wanting to do either one, lately.  I’m so frustrated.  I’m losing motivation like a sinking ship.  God, please change my heart.  I don’t know what’s gotten into me.  This is not like me, to be unmotivated.  I love challenge – I thrive on the prospect of attaining the impossible – but not today.  Not recently.  I’m just so burnt out – I feel like I’m dying inside.  It feels like permanent damage is being done to my motivational capacity.  I feel – depression setting in.  I haven’t felt this way since I lived in my parents’ house 9 years ago.  This sums up the conclusion of the last few months: I know something is terribly wrong in my life – yet I feel powerless to change.  Nothing I’ve tried has worked.  No amount of discipline, new habits, breaking old ones, rearranged priorities, upheld or replaced values – nothing.   No tangible breakthrough has yet to occur – and need I remind you, God, that’s the sole reason I came here to Colorado.  I’m still struggling with the same things I have for years.  Not fair.  We have 31 days left – and you know how much I hate having things wait until the last minute.

I unashamedly stole this angry fist in anger from a foul-mouthed blogger's website.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Show yourself and let us wrestle it out!  I'll show you how frustrated I am!  I will not be mastered by momentum in the wrong direction!  Things will change! I will see change before the sun sets at FLI!   I WILL SEE CHANGE!  You stretched my faith on my drive out here – and this is the result of that stretching!  I have more now.  In faith, I’m making this statement: I will be changed.  I will leave a different person than when I came.  I will press in, press on, and wear rug burns into my knees if necessary – I. Will. Leave. Changed.  Remember me, Father, for I have endured for your sake.  I have not given up.  Remember the sorrow of my youth.  Remember the years the locusts have eaten. Restore them.  Restore me, my God, for your sake.  And I will worship you, for you are my Lord.

Rarely do I yell at God - today was one of those times.  Never in our 18 years together have I ever become angry with Him - but if I ever did come close, today would be that day.  In times like this I'm grateful for his stubborn love.

~AK