A Burden's Rest...

Today at FLI...

...I received a letter from my dear friend Bethany back in NY - it was a nice little thank-you card with encouraging verses and attributes of the awesome God we serve.  One of the verses really spoke to me - it was Matthew 11:28-30, where Jesus talks about burdens:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I took a few minutes to let the weight of its significance sink in.   I've had a tremendous amount of burdens to bear this semester - this could not have been more timely or fitting.  It inspired me and gave me hope to carry on.  But before I did, I had to celebrate with a creative outlet - (I can be one of those crazy artsy people from time to time... I just hide it well =)... It's not much, but with my very limited budget (free) for art supplies (including artistic software), this is about what I can do in a few minutes with freeware; but it's comforting and reminds me to cast all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7, para) as it now sits as my desktop background:

In usual fashion, I've added inspirational text to an existing image. The original image is a piece of American
art painted by Harvey Dunn (1884-1952) entitled Team Of Oxen Plowing The Prairie. Source:Greatest
American Painters, American Gallery, WordPress.

~AK

The Cowardice Smackdown

Today at FLI...

...during my intense 2-day paper-writing escapade I took a short break and stumbled across an interesting video.  It was actually a webcast - a sermon on dating from Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA.  It was the most candid talk on the Relationships/Dating/Courtship topic I've ever heard.  It was great - until the end.  Then he said something that really struck me.  He didn't mince words, apologize, stutter, or forewarn the audience - he just laid down the smack:

"Some of you are here... and you’ve lacked courage and confidence... and particularly you men.  It’s time to repent of your cowardice.”

Whhhhhat? Repent of your cowardice? Oooouch! *sting, burn*  Since when is lacking confidence considered cowardice? Who does this guy think he is?!?! Is he %$@$#%* serious? I’ve heard dozens of seminars and talks on this stuff - and never once have I heard anyone talk about repenting of a lack of confidence or even mention the word cowardice.  That's just wrong.  I've read tons of books on relationships, courtship, dating, engagement - the whole shebang.  Not one of them said anything about repenting of cowardice.  Heck, I’m even taking an entire course on the subject - nothing about cowardice there either.  I've read enough that, if you can name it, I’ve heard of it, probably read it, and got the workbook. But this! A call to repent of male cowardice? I'd never heard such a thing - not in a dating context anyway.

Preposterous. It was so far from anything I'd ever heard that, as I began to really think about what it might mean in the context of my life, it started to sink deep.


Overall, the message was short, engaging, funny - and compelling. And with that, it was a smack in the face in a way I've never heard it before. This slap was to men: to wake up!  I thought I was awake! I thought I was doing everything I should be doing as a man! I study leadership, I practice integrity, I work hard, I steward my resources well, and I put God first. I live by honor and respect! Well, apparently not if cowardice is on the radar. Geez, God? Really? Now? Above all other times, now? I am NOT feeling the love here bro... you're telling me: I've got another issue to deal with? On top of everything else that's going on!?!?  One more thing? Really? You have got to be kidding...

I paused. Wait a minute...Who the heck is this guy anyway? Well, that thought didn't get far.  Turns out, "this guy" was actually Mark Driscoll - pastor at Mars Hill Church in Seattle; this church has satellite churches in 9 cities, is reaching millions of people all over the world for the kingdom of God, and online 24/7.  A few quick searches on Driscoll showed what this Godly man is made of - a mean, lean, God-believing, Word-preaching machine!  He speaks truth like nobody's business. To make me feel worse, a few quick searches on BibleGateway revealed to me what God says about cowardice.  Oh no... Here we go again, I thought, and braced myself.  God's getting ready to convict me... I just know it.

And he did. Of the 25 demonstrated occurrences of cowardice in the Bible, all 25 involve men (Nave's Topical).  Only 4 instances involve men and women in a mixed group, while 21 acts of cowardice were committed by men alone, or groups of men together.  In each of these contexts, it is also very clear that cowardice does not please God, nor does it constitute obedience to his will. Cowardice is not godliness. Cowardice is not leadership. Cowardice is not acting with integrity.  Cowardice is a shameful, low-blowing, scumbagish, spineless act of fear.  Acts of cowardice are 6 times more likely to be committed by men than by women, so this message was clear:  Driscoll tells the cowardly men to repent, to grow up, and be the courageous men God desires they be.

Why Teamwork? Because a little humor goes a long way.  That and pictures
describe powerful principles so much better than words sometimes.
Meat shields are an act of cowardice. Booyah!

So - it looks like God is saying it's time to face the facts: cowardice has been an unwelcome guest in my life for a long time.  I first felt its grip when I was 11 years old - fear swept over me like a plague before I stood up to give my first book report in 1995.  Somehow, that fear resurfaces every time I present.  It feels like it never left.  Cowardice grips me in two key ways - and interestingly enough - in only two ways: 1.) while initiating dates, and 2.) while speaking in front of a large group of people.  I didn't plan on doing either of these things when I came to FLI because I felt like I had enough on my plate already. (NOTE: I even mentioned avoiding these things in my application.)  But it looks like God had other plans - two weeks ago I asked a girl out and learned after the fact the reason why God arranged that occurrence - it was to deal with my fear. Afterwords, I felt so free, but I still didn't like God keeping me in the dark about the whole thing until after it was over. Ugh. So embarrassing.  Then, this week I stood in front of a group of 43 peers to speak - and I buckled under that same gripping, paralyzing fear I felt 15 years ago. That's 15 years too long.  I'm kinda sick of it. Enough is enough.

If God keeps bringing these things up, it's time to deal with them.  No more will I idly sit by and let fear compromise action.  I choose to repent of the cowardice I've complacently let take root in my life like a garden that hasn't been weeded in a decade.  Even in the 10th week at FLI, God continues to stretch and grow me in ways I didn't know were even possible.  This is the third time this same issue has popped up within the last few weeks - and I know what that means: he's tired of seeing the cowardice in my life, and he's taking out the trash.

Thanks. Thanks a lot, God.  Just what I need.  One more thing to work on.  God, I know you're good... but you're soooo inconvenient sometimes.

~AK

When Confession Turns to Frustration...

Today at FLI...

I confessed before the Lord and spoke out of my frustration...

Forgive me, father – for I never want to spend time with you until… until I have other things that I don’t want to do (like writing a paper) before I decide – I haven’t had my QT today… and then I foolishly use not having my quiet time to procrastinate on my paper.  Truth is, I’m guilty of not wanting to do either one, lately.  I’m so frustrated.  I’m losing motivation like a sinking ship.  God, please change my heart.  I don’t know what’s gotten into me.  This is not like me, to be unmotivated.  I love challenge – I thrive on the prospect of attaining the impossible – but not today.  Not recently.  I’m just so burnt out – I feel like I’m dying inside.  It feels like permanent damage is being done to my motivational capacity.  I feel – depression setting in.  I haven’t felt this way since I lived in my parents’ house 9 years ago.  This sums up the conclusion of the last few months: I know something is terribly wrong in my life – yet I feel powerless to change.  Nothing I’ve tried has worked.  No amount of discipline, new habits, breaking old ones, rearranged priorities, upheld or replaced values – nothing.   No tangible breakthrough has yet to occur – and need I remind you, God, that’s the sole reason I came here to Colorado.  I’m still struggling with the same things I have for years.  Not fair.  We have 31 days left – and you know how much I hate having things wait until the last minute.

I unashamedly stole this angry fist in anger from a foul-mouthed blogger's website.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Show yourself and let us wrestle it out!  I'll show you how frustrated I am!  I will not be mastered by momentum in the wrong direction!  Things will change! I will see change before the sun sets at FLI!   I WILL SEE CHANGE!  You stretched my faith on my drive out here – and this is the result of that stretching!  I have more now.  In faith, I’m making this statement: I will be changed.  I will leave a different person than when I came.  I will press in, press on, and wear rug burns into my knees if necessary – I. Will. Leave. Changed.  Remember me, Father, for I have endured for your sake.  I have not given up.  Remember the sorrow of my youth.  Remember the years the locusts have eaten. Restore them.  Restore me, my God, for your sake.  And I will worship you, for you are my Lord.

Rarely do I yell at God - today was one of those times.  Never in our 18 years together have I ever become angry with Him - but if I ever did come close, today would be that day.  In times like this I'm grateful for his stubborn love.

~AK

Communication, Modulation, and Standardization...

Today at FLI...

...I dealt with some communication disturbances; however, I have a feeling these disturbances are not over yet because similar ones have occurred for what is now the third time and are shedding light on a recurring and unhealthy pattern.  I prayed about it.  I sought counsel.  I took time to be silent and wait upon the Lord.  I sought more counsel.  I consulted experts.  I set appointments to preempt the next strike before it happens.  And I drew some comparisons while thinking through all these things in light of the existing problems - then parsed them out below in a journal entry.  I am an external processor; it is my modus operandi. Much of this is actually for me (because it is necessary to get this issue off my chest so I can focus on my homework for the night) but I post it publicly because 1.) I value transparency in relationship, and 2.) it allows others to better understand and relate to what I am dealing with in this season of my journey in life at Focus.

Several weeks ago in Marriage and Family Studies we learned about- and took a quiz on- emotional intelligence (the Emotional Intelligence Quotient, EIQ or EQ for short, as opposed to IQ, the Intelligence Quotient).  Based on the extensive work by Daniel Goleman and others, we launched into discussion about how EQ has been studied and its relationship to success in general - but also specifically how it relates to relational success.  Having the ability to be aware of how you come across to other people while being confident and unafraid to be true to yourself along with how you relate to others helps to define one's EQ according to Queendom, one of the a few online administers of a free and standardized EQ battery.

(Image borrowed from The Natural Learning Company. All Rights Reserved ©2010,
who referenced the chart from an earlier chart by Salovey & Mayer, 1990,
titled The Conceptualisation of Emotional Intelligence.)

If high EQ is more closely correlated with general and overall success in life than simple IQ, then the correlation holds true, that in general, if you find a group of fairly successful people, the EQ of that success group will be on average higher than that of the general public.  That said, if you typically deal in circles of successful people, you will be dealing with people of higher average EQ.  This connection was curicial to understanding some of the communal integration differences I've been experiencing since I arrived at focus 8 weeks ago, as I've noticed this thought running through my head quite often: I'm not able to fill my usual role in a given group here as I usually do in most other places I've ever found myself.  This is odd... why is this?

This correllary understanding was crucial, as I think it has finally served to answer this disparity of communal bonding experiences.  For example, if my community back at my home institution is made up of individuals who have achieved a moderate degree of success in their academic lives, are relatively ambitious, driven and/or highly motivated to succeed, then it is fairly accurate to say the Rensselaer community as a whole is made up of a group of fairly well-adjusted individuals with a high EQ.  Being immersed in this college microcosm where higher IQ’s and EQ’s are common for long enough can then falsely lead someone to think of this higher level as average and normal.  This poor assumption can lead to problems when, the immersed individual suddenly emerges from this select microcosm and into the real – the everyday world.  This could become culture shock in a number of ways – common symptoms might be to think of the rest of the world as developed to a lesser degree, or less mature than what is perceived to be “normal” based on a “shifted normal” of the microcosm to which one is accustomed.  Assumptions – and worse, second-natured assumptions – they get you every time.  Sobering, isn’t it? You can’t know what you don’t know, until it is brought to light through something you do know.

Similarity of communication style precipitates good communication.  Good communication lays the foundation for good understanding, and without, often leads to misunderstanding.  Reciprocating a given communication style or preference is a method of communication I both identified as helpful and began to practice years ago because I saw firstly how much it improved mutual understanding and accelerated relational trust and ties.  Over the years I’ve worked on and developed a fairly proficient repertoire of communication styles to facilitate a wide variety of people and their communication preferences.  As a result, I’ve been able to build relationship with people from all walks of life and from a diversity of ages, experiences, cultures, and backgrounds.   

Differences in communication style is a lot like frequency modulation:
  both mediums carry signals, are dependent upon a transceiver to be properly "tuned" to the
right "frequency" for correct operation, and where transmissions can be hampered
by many factors, including transmission errors, interference disturbances, & receiver errors.

Given this rich background I feel very blessed to have understood this foundational communication principle so many years ago that I have now met what I can best tell as over 50 thousand people throughout the entirety of my life thus far – and I’ve had the privilege of getting along with a vast majority of them.  But, as today and other days recently have seen, none of us is beyond leanring how to deal with new and different issues.  Now, from my experiences in communication over the years I could make several statistically significant observations about the people groups and demographics of the relationships I’ve been able to establish – some better than others – but I will be brief in those observations, as that is not my point here. My point is to recognize the source of the recurring issues, pray and seek counsel, and develop a working plan with hope for resolving the issues in a peaceable manner.  The observations are blocked out, below:

In summary, I’ve found my native communication style and preferences at home in the middle-aged adult demographic, but that does not mean 1) that I get along with all middle-aged adults, or that I have explicit difficulty communicating with other age groups.  What I do find interesting, is that I have consistently had more difficulty communicating with and relating to high school, college-age, and young professional age groups specifically when they are also peer groups than any other group at any other time.  This is interesting, because if the “in my peer group” filter is removed (i.e., relating to college-age individuals while in high school, or relating to high-school aged individuals while in college) these difficulties almost disappear.  All this to conclude: it is the combination of a “peer group” and “Generation Me” that seem to exhibit the majority of communication difficulties in my experience.   This is highly unfortunate, because, whether I like it or not, I was born into the tail end of Generation X and the early part of Generation Me, and while born slightly closer to Generation X, I’ve been more associated with Generation Y (the “Me” Generation), therefore, it is my generation.  And it will be with me for the rest of my life.

I’m also grateful for books by people like Deborah Tannen, professor of linguistics at Georgotown University, who make it their job to deal in these very areas of communication styles, differences, and difficulties.  I'm also glad I had a short discussion with Professor Mr. Steve Lee this afternoon, learning that there are apparently 9 possible places for a communication breakdown to occur between two people!  Nine!  Now maybe I don't feel so bad - there are so many ways in which communication can go wrong.  Boy is there a lot to be learned yet.  Please pray for mercy and patience on the part of all involved - we need it!

In the mean time, I'm not without action: it looks like it is time to dig out “That’s Not What I Meant!” from my bookshelf and buy a copy of “You Just Don’t Understand!” for aid in these current communication connundrums - or maybe "First Aid" would better describe their role after what's been happening in my small group recently.  These books both deal in the interpretation of others’ communication signals and preferences, but more importantly, identify common pitfalls.  In the upcoming weeks I'm also going to need to learn how to adapt relational preferential dichotomies (Myers-Briggs), love language (Chapman), Strengths 2.0 (Gallop), and EQ (Queendom) to the communication "soup" if you will.  Hopefully, with new ingredients in the communication soup there will be enough electrolytes to conduct a meaningful and measurable signal within the challenge demographic, and specifically, the small group.

~AK

Breaking Point..

Today at FLI...

I was stretched to my ultimate tensile limit - or in common speech - my breaking point.  Up to this point I had been trying to achieve what was both my goal for the semester (trying to win a bet against God) and his goals for me being at FLI this fall.  Say what?  yeah... so here's how the story went.  In my charicteristic metaphorical, engineering sort-of-way, I'll compare a picture to what I mean.  Ladies and gentlemen - consider, the charicteristic Tensile Stress-Strain Curve for composite material:

The Stress vs Strain curve for a material subject to test failure loads of tensile force. Source: Nanopedia.

Right now I'm just before the red X of Ultimate Tensile Strength.  The last 4 weeks have been the Plastic Region where things have been slipping further and further into disarray, and before that was the Elastic phase of the first two weeks.  Pictures.  I worth a thousand words for sure.

On the third day after we settled into our new apartments, God and I had a short conversation - about grades.  It was after the end of our first official day of classes and after the 2-day Leadership Intensive; We had just gotten a personal introduction to what would be a curriculum based on the Truth Project by - that's right - by Dr. Del Buford Delmont Tackett the third himself!  Anyway, my discussion with God went like this as I was planning out my reading and homework schedule in my head: You're going to try and get all A's this semester in each of your classes, aren't you? God said, interrupting my train of thought.  Umm... yeah... and why should I not at least try to produce excellence in my studies? I sheepishly replied already knowing what was wrong with that question.  Because it's not why you're here - you didn't come here to get good grades.  You came here to balance priorities.  So, balance priorities - and don't get A's.

Well, needless to say, I tried to ignore these words or act like I didn't hear them - but I think subconsciously I knew I was supposed to heed his comment.  Therefore, the next 6 weeks would be a blur of mixed priorities - both mine and Gods - and until this week there was some semblence of hope that I could still have both while holding on for dear life.  Maybe, just maybe, I could still "have it all" as it were, and survive.  But not now.  Not this week - it's week 7.  Week 7 means midterms.  It means presentations, project deadlines, and cumulative work assesment.  Essentially, it's the checkpoint to make sure you're keeping up with the pack of work - and it comes with a bucketload more work.  "OK God, I'm at my breaking point... I can't do this anymore.  By sundown Wednesday this week I'm going to crack unless something happens.  God, I've come to the end of me; help?"

Well, I'll let you know about any developments... but I have a feeling it's going to be a good dose of God saying, "I told you so" along with "I love you so" while reminding me that "you should rely on me, you know?"
~AK

Masculinity Defined

Today at FLI...

I learned that, to be considered a man, your static and unchanging role or uniquely masculine calling is to:

1. Provide
2. Protect
3. Lead
4. Love

Everything else is subjective.  Whether or not you play football, go hunting & fishing, boating or have a loud Harley, own a fancy car you spend a lot of time and love on, or if you cook, clean, take care of children, wash dishes, or mow the lawn - none of those things define either masculinity or femininity, even though culture or history might have you think they do.  Personality, family background, culture conditioning, peer influences, era trends and societal norms - all of these things vary with time and place, and none of them define you or chain you to a gender.

Now, granted, there are some characteristic normal distributions of certain traits along a continuum which have tended to be more masculine than feminine - like weightlifting, this is true - but it is no more true than saying because the average height of a man is greater than the average height of a woman therefore height must be a masculine trait.  Not so!  I'll even include a picture to demonstrate the ridiculousness of this fallacy (even though we make these gender assumptions all the time).  Height is a continuum upon which both men and women fall into a bi-modal (two hump) normal distribution like so:

 

Therefore, the only conclusion that can be had is: height is a human trait - and generally speaking, men are taller than women.  This conclusion does not negate the fact half of the male population is taller than 84% of all women - that's a fact from the US Dept of Health.  Still, this fact does not support the conclusion that, "since most men are taller than women, therefore tallness is a masculine trait,"  nor is it accurate to conclude that, "a tall individual could be defined as male sinply because of their height [or female if short for that matter]."  These are both very inncorrect assumptions generalities which serve to confuse the question "what defines a person's gender?"  Yet, as obvious as it is to see the fallacy in this argument, our society makes theses same kind of sweeping, gender-specific generalizations all the time - on the street they're called stereotypes.  And many a person has been confused about the nature of his or her gender simply based on what percentile a well-developed or highly-visible trait landed along the continuum.  Tisk, tisk!

And believe it or not - a few quick quantitative searches will show that this same continuum-distributive phenomenon is observed in almost every trait that either men or women can have.  There is always a distribution, often characterized by the bimodal shape.  It is essential to remember: these bimodal humps - or stereotypes - whatever you want to call them, do not define gender.  They simply define what traits are commonly found among a group - not what defines the group.

Yay for science debumking cultural myths and coming to aid us in our discussion of gender roles and gender definitions.  Isn't it sad that I resorted to terms like bimodal and normal distribution during a semester where I don't have to take any math classes?  A most undeniable certainty.

*hangs head in shame* ;-)

~AK

GLS Mantis #5

This week (week 7) marks the halfway point in the semester. We were challenged in Mantis this morning to think about how we are cultivating the soil of our minds to allow for good seed to take root. We all sat in silence for several minutes before class would start. I enjoy these times of solitude; I have two words: breathing room.


I had definitely let my QT slip for the past several weeks - but I made it a priority this past weekend to take charge and make it happen regardless - and the same goes with working out. And it's no secret - to be at our best, we need to be balanced and physically, mentally, and spiritually fit. I'll talk about emotional fitness in another article because I'm still piecing together my ideas on the subject.



We did take the Emotional IQ (or EQ as it is called) in Marriage and Family last week.  It was good.  Apparently my EQ is the same as my IQ, landing in the same exact percentile.  Gee... God? Now I can't claim ignorance anymore in awkward social situations... Ha.  These are the things I think about during quiet moments.



 Today, I was up early to knockout 2 and 1/2 miles of jogging AND still have a good QT before class.  It feels like a good day coming up.


~AK

I Swear, it's the Clothes...

Today at FLI...

I realized how much I despised myself. It's ugly, when you become acutely aware of your own shortcomings in a new and revealing way. Talk about SIGGIES out... I came home, looked in the mirror, and thought, I can't stand what I see. I can't stand the person I've become through the situations I've been put in here at Focus. It's ugly, It's unattractive - sin is coming out in ways I've never seen before or knew I had the capacity to commit. I don't know why, but I really don't like what I see right now.

But it wasn't just my sin that I was despising - it was more but I couldn't put my finger on it. After a few minutes I tried to figure out why I felt this way, and the first thing that came to mind was it's the clothes. It's the blasted dress code I'll bet! I can't stand how stuck up, prideful, arrogant, and fake I feel when I "dress to impress" like they want. It's so superficial - and yet I engage in it day after day. That's it! I do this fake thing - pretending to be something or someone I'm not every single day - and after 5 weeks of

I feel about as uptight as the guy on the right, rigid like the shirt, and the shoe...? No way Jose.

this nonsense it's getting to me. So I do what I always do when I have thoughts - I talk about them with whomever is around so I can solicit their feedback and their thoughts on the subject. The first person I asked was God, and after submitting my thoughts I went to see what my roommate thought.

Scottie - I love this guy - he tells it like it is. He told me point blank that the issue of pride I saw resurfacing in my life was an indicator that a pre-existing issue was just being brought out through the clothing, not coming from the clothing itself. Interesting. I still love him, but that isn't exactly what I expected him to say.

About a day or so later was the FLI Men's Retreat and I had the opportunity to - and privilege of - talking with Chris Kasper about some of these things. His words were understanding and affirming, assuring me that the challenges God was bringing me through were not too difficult to handle, and that I was not alone as he had dealt and sometimes still must deal with similar seclusive conclusions, albeit for different reasons.
Still, the feedback was great, but it didn't make me "feel" any better. At the risk of sounding unspritual and

This semester is going to leave stretch marks.

unmasculine, I have been told that I can be very in touch with my own feelings. Yet, I know feelings are often unreliable, so I try not to rely on them for making decisions - and so I did do the right thing anyway even though it didn't give me the comfort I longed for.

It's another one of those uncomfortable stretching moments. If there's one word that describes this semester, it's STRETCH! Matter of fact, in my usual fashion I coined a short phrase to help describe what I'm going through.  ~AK

He Who Falls On The Rock Will Be Broken...

Today at FLI...

I prayed something like.. "God I'm falling apart... I need your help.  put me back together... bring me back to our roots... something is wrong and i don't know what it is... but it smells pretty bad."

Thanks Dr. Tackett.  Thanks Katie.  Thanks Twila.  Thanks Scott.  Thanks Robert.  Thanks Carol.  I wouldn't be where I am today without you all.  Thanks for being there.

~AK

The Food at FLI: Blessing or Curse?

Today at FLI...

I realized that the food is really good here - between the family dinners, Koinonia dinners, lunch at the cafe, birthday baked goods in class, and glorious leftovers - there is no shortage of excellent, home cooked (or nearly home cooked) food.  And I have proof: I last weighed myself just before I left NY to drive cross country - and i was 194.  Today, a full 6 weeks into the semester, I weighed in at 205.  Drat.  That's a steady increase of about 2 lbs per week.  This is not going according to plan - I was supposed to LOSE weight by coming out here... oh well... but rest assured, if you're considering attendance at FLI, you have more important things to dedicate your energies toward.  Don't let the random meandering thought, "I wonder how the food is?" detract from your mission.  Trust me.  It's almost too good.

~AK

Stewing Over The Reading...

Today at FLI...

....I realized, hm... it's getting colder now... it's about time for stew!  Every Fall - usually just after thanksgiving - I make a huge pot of turkey stew with thanksgiving dinner remains and whatever else happens to be in the fridge.  This year, since I'll be away from home over turkey break, I was wondering what I was going to do to keep the tradition alive.  I need to get my stew fix I was thinking to myself one day last week.  Then it happened.  One of the small groups here decided to throw a Thanksgiving-themed Koinania dinner - and there would be turkey!  Score.  I made plans to have the turkey remains secured before they were even purchased - and as it turned out, there would be 2 or 3 small turkey remains given to me after the fact.  Perfect - the opportunity was here.  If I can finish my taxes by Friday, and make it back from the guys' campout alive and well on Saturday, then Sunday I can make stew. Sweet deal.

Only problem with making stew is... well... good stew takes about 2 days to make.  And, although you don't have to watch it constantly, it does require about 6 hours of prep time between basting and cleaning the turkey, sifting the bones, chopping the veggies, seasoning the broth - it was going to leave me out my weekend to catch up on reading.  Oh, yeah... there's new reading assignments, too.  Drats.  The thought left me stewing over how much reading they assign, and it made me think of school again.

How is it, that no matter where I go to school, or what I do in school, or what program I select or classes I take - I never have enough time to do the homework?  Learning is my #1 strength I just found out last week.  Why is school so difficult then? I know what being a learner is all about - and attending school is probably one of the least effective methods of learning out there!  I've just about had it. I've come to despise the very thought of being a student simply because it ushers in thoughts of constantly being behind the 8-ball with an overbearing amount of unfinished homework due right around the corner.  Always!  Never have I been able to get all my homework done - I don't know what made me think FLI would be any different.  The feeling of unfinished work is unbearable - it eats away at my stomach.  It feels like the same old, same old, and that's not why I came here.  I came here to change - to put the past behind me and turn over a new page in life where school doesn't stress me out to the max, and where my non-school obligations could be left 2000 miles away back home so I can just be.  

God, what are you doing through all this? Why the discontentment - it's starting to show.  People notice.  I don't want to leave here having let these clouds overshadow the relationships I'm building.  I need your power to breakout of this old way of life so I can be empty to receive what it is that you have for me here.  Please God - we're entering our 5th week.   We only have 8 or 9 weeks left!  I know you work everything out to the good of those who love you... seriously I do, but I'm having a hard time seeing it right now.  Allow me to see past what is right in front of me and look toward what you are accomplishing in each of our character through this semester.  Remind me to pray and intercede for my brothers and sisters here as they are challenged this fall.  I lay these and all the other apprehensions which are on my mind down so that I may take up your peace.

This is by no means easy - it's actually quite a stretch right now.  I have no idea what you're doing - but I know it smacks of growing pains and stretch marks.  Matter of fact, I still have stretch marks from the first week when I found out I wasn't allowed to wear my hat.  Nobody tells me I can't where my hat - nobody.  My hat goes with me everywhere.  That rule left a mark.  The fact that there are "rules" leaves several more.  

God - this is taking metric tons of faith... I don't know how much longer I can dress up and be fake every single day and put on a show... the pride intrinsic to these actions is slowly poisoning me - and I'm beginning to notice it.  It still smells bad.  I miss my time with you.  Why does this blasted homework have to cause so much angst and guilt?  Why can't I just spend time with you like we used to?  Why do I feel that my hand is forced to touch hot coals?  I can't say I know... but I know you.  And I know that you know what you're doing...

  Tonight, that's the only peace I have - trusting that he knows what he's doing.

~AK